Billy’s birth was not the birth I had envisioned during my pregnancy.

The bright lights, the beeping, the people. I thought my hands would be the first hands to hold my baby, not the hands of the obstetrician.

I think I was holding Andrews hand with one and the nurses hand with the other. It helped to hold someone’s hands, as mine were shaking so much.

I have never felt so cold, like teeth chattering cold. I was hysterical just before Billy was born. I think exhaustion hit me and all I wanted was to see my baby.

This is what I remember saying to everyone earlier that evening. “I just want to meet Billy, I just want to see my baby.”

I think everyone was shocked when I said this. And Mumma G and the midwives at TUH kept asking me if I was sure about wanting to have a c section.

Which of course I wanted them to ask me this, they had to make sure this wasn’t a crisis of confidence. As this is something I may say if I was having a crisis.

This was different though. I knew deep down I had given everything I had to have a normal physiological birth. I was exhausted. I was ready to meet my baby.

Billy was perfectly safe. He wasn’t in distress, this wasn’t an emergency. There was no medical reason for me to have a c-section. Other than the fact I knew in my heart while we were both still well, that this was what I needed and wanted to do in this moment, at this time.

This was the first time I had to trust my mama intuition. 💫

~ Bella Duggan